My girl, my sweet little daughter. Today is your due date and there are not enough words to say how badly we wish you were still here with us.

The last time I heard your heartbeat was on December 30 at what I never expected to be my final prenatal appointment. We spent that morning with your big sister and your aunt J at the Bloedel Conservatory. The Conservatory sits on a hill overlooking the city, a glass dome full of tropical flowers, plants and birds. In our grey winter city, it is like a small secret world of colour and warmth. Inside, E raced around with aunt J, trying to find every bird on the scavenger hunt list they provide, while you and I made our way more slowly around and around the cobbled pathway. I felt you roll and kick and thought about how you inhabited your own secret world, of how cozy and right it felt to be growing you inside me and of how one day I would walk these paths with two little girls. Two bright curly heads to follow, two chirping voices pointing out the different birds and flowers, two little hands to hold.

We’re going back to the Conservatory today with your daddy and Oma and Opa and I will try to feel you there. To remember what it was like to hold you inside me, to love you while you were still alive. I’ll buy myself a trinket from the gift shop to remind me of you and this day and all the days we spent together, as close as any two people can ever be. You are part of me forever. I love you and love you and love you.

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