Yesterday evening at 7:34 I paused for a moment to mark the time: 3 months exactly since Anja’s birth. The sun was low in the sky, hanging golden over the bay and rippling light across the water. E and R were in the shower together and I could hear them playing tea party, E bossing R and then squealing excitedly over some funny thing he was doing. E and I had been making peanut butter and jam cookies to take to friends’ for tea today and the last batch was in the oven. I stood still in the kitchen, looking out between the buildings at the water and the darkening sky, listening to my little family. Remembering.

At 7:35 the timer on the stove rang. The cookies were done. I took them out to cool on the counter before going into the bathroom to call E out of the shower and get her ready for bed. Turning from what should have been to what is, I said a silent ‘I love you’ to my lost little girl, and laughed with her big sister as I wrapped her tightly in a towel and held her close.

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