Pinkish spotting tonight. I assume the end of this, my fifth pregnancy, is in sight. I feel sick. I want to throw up. I want to put my shoes on and walk, fast, as far as I can, but it’s late and dark and R, who’s sleeping already, would wonder where I’d gone. I want out of my body. What is wrong with me? Why does this keep happening to me? Why this week? Why did I think I could try again and succeed? Never again. Never, ever again.

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