For weeks I have been denying this pregnancy.
I threw out the positive pregnancy test as soon as I took it because I did not want it lying around to taunt me when I miscarried.
I grieved the loss of this pregnancy (albeit briefly) early on and never quite understood that it hadn’t ended.
I would forget that I was pregnant on a regular basis. A few days ago I tried on some jeans I haven’t worn all summer and they were a little tight and it took me a long time to remember that, hey, I am almost three months pregnant and maybe that might be why.
I thought about how we had to sell the stroller in our storage locker.
When I did think about being pregnant it was mostly with dread. I worried that if I had another baby, my career would never get off the ground. (I don’t really care about my career right now, but feel like I should. And I’m going to have pay off those student loans somehow.) I worried that R would lose his job and we’d blow through our savings in months and be out on the street with two kids. I worried that with four and half years between them, E and her new sibling would never really get to know each other properly or have the kind of relationship I’d envisioned. I worried about being sleep deprived. I worried that we were making a big mistake.
Yesterday I had lunch with two babylost friends. We talked about compulsion, about whether we really want subsequent babies or whether we feel compelled to have them. Do I want to have another baby or do I feel like I have to? Like I have been on this path for so long and I must keep on it, see it through to the end? But, what is the end? What am I doing?
R and I have been trying for two and a half years to add to our family. In that time, our financial situation has worsened, our energy has been depleted, we have learned what grief does to relationships, to self-confidence, to a sense of optimism for the future. We are, in many ways – in so many ways, worse off than we were two and a half years ago. I wondered if it made sense anymore to have another child.
And what if we didn’t deserve to have another child? What if we weren’t good enough, happy enough, rich enough?
And the worst worry of all: what if I couldn’t love this child? If I didn’t seem to want it now, would I love it when (ififif) it was born?
And then yesterday afternoon I saw this new baby on an ultrasound screen.
I climbed onto the bed shaking all over and when I pulled my shirt up and the waistband of my pants down my heart was beating so hard it hurt. The tech quickly found the baby, showed me its heartbeat, said: “There is a baby there, and it is alive, its heart is beating strong and everything looks just like it should so far.”
And I burst into tears. And I cried and cried and cried.
And I wanted that baby. I want that baby.
I want that baby.
Molly said:
Oh, the tears are flowing now. They were yesterday, too, as soon as I saw your email. Oh my god, Jen, it’s alive! You’re pregnant. I’m beyond happy for you. My elation can’t possibly reduced to words. So, so much love to you….
PIeces of Me said:
YESSSS! What a relief! *big exhale* I truly am happy for you.
I wholeheartedly believe that all the doubt and mixed up emotions are normal in this scenario. I have struggled (and continue to) with some of these same thoughts, fears and feelings.
My heart is full upon hearing this news. Hang in there Friend. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
Renel said:
Oh I hear you. It’s so hard to get attached when you’re worried it won’t work out. And it’s impossible not to get attached when your live is so bug and the want is so deep. Your reaction tells you how your heart feels. I know about the stress and strain on your relationship. I know the age gap that increases monthly between children. I know of money whoa’s and student loans. But… Your heart tells you, leads you and I am hoping along with you. The path is tumultuous and it will be hard, I was there so so recently. Thus community is here to buoy you and I am holding your heart.
Suzanne said:
Of course. What could be more normal and human and beautiful than to want the little person who is sharing your body? Congratulations on not just a positive pregnancy test, but a heartbeat, things looking just like they’re supposed to at this point in gestation, and past the first trimester!!!! Every day is an accomplishment at this point. Every day of gestation one day closer to a birth. To a baby.
Thanks for your honesty about the questioning and the doubt whether a baby is something that you have wanted. I have wondered what is wrong with me when I think that maybe I don’t want to have another baby.
“We talked about compulsion, about whether we really want subsequent babies or whether we feel compelled to have them. Do I want to have another baby or do I feel like I have to?” Exactly.
But now you are really, really on your way toward having a baby ❤ E will be a wonderful sister.
Florine said:
I can totally relate to all of this and I am so relieved for you that things are looking good. Want that baby!
JM said:
Wow, I could have written this post five years ago. The ambivalence, the fear, the desperate love, the trepidation, all of it.
I’m so over the moon for you that things are looking good. *Doing Aussie version of a happy dance* ;P
Janelle Moran said:
I could have written this post myself. We are at exactly the same point in our pregnancies, with all the same fears. I had my 12 week scan today. I still can’t bring myself to believe there’s a baby in there. I, too, am in denial, afraid to acknowledge, afraid to hope. I look forward to stepping along these stones with you over the coming months. xxx
Em said:
There’s just something amazing about seeing that baby on the screen. It is real. It is a baby. And we want and love THAT baby, even though we also want and love your Anja and my Eva. We just build more rooms in our hearts. And I’m here hoping for you and this baby.
cathjw said:
Oh I’m so glad that you got to see your little one. I can’t say it better than Em already has, there is something amazing about seeing that baby on the screen.
I often wonder about the idea of compulsion, it felt a disease or an addiction or something. When I was trying to have another baby. And I’ve started thinking about it again. I wonder if it is out of habit.
But I do know that when you see that baby, when you want that baby? Nothing else seems to matter. Because love just swamps everything.
brooke said:
I think that the reason I never wanted to know the sex of “the deuce” was because I didn’t want to get attached to the baby I felt like we might not get to keep. I didn’t want to plan ahead because I didn’t want to get fooled again and feel so stupid on top of feeling gutted by grief.
It didn’t matter. If we had lost the deuce, it would have gutted me anyway. And now that she’s here… She’s the best thing that ever scared me.
Veronica said:
I’ll echo what Brooke said. There’s something still so unreal about all this, I can’t quite let myself live in the now. When pregnant, you’re always living for 9 months ahead, 6 months, 1 month… And I feel irreversibly pessimistic. But for me only. I guess that’s why I haven’t shared anything about my scan from Tues, and my follow up yesterday publicly. I don’t quite feel the promise in all this. But just for me.
I truly believe it will happen for you…and for Ms. J. I really do. In late April or early May, I know you will be bringing home baby. Or, my heart so hopes you do.
I fear I might have to excuse myself from all this soon.
Sending my love, and big hopes for that new, growing baby.
Hope's Mama said:
Wishing like crazy. So much I might burst
xo
Tash said:
I cry at every scan. I want that baby too.
Oh Jen, i’m so happy to hear that everything looks just like it should so far. Sending love and hope to you and this baby. xx
Cathy in Missouri said:
Yes, Hope’s Mama – burst, that’s it.
CiM xoxo