This morning as I walked to get groceries, I passed a building I pass nearly every time I go to the store. In January this year, only a few days after New Years, I noticed the helleborus were blooming. I have since learned that there is a species of helleborus that blooms bright white in the middle of winter, but these were dark purple and completely out of place. They were perplexing: beautiful, premature, bright spots of colour in the cold green and grey of a Vancouver winter. They seemed all wrong; I thought they were doomed.

Two weeks later it snowed and they all died. My baby died that week, too. Out of the blue. Her death as random as those January blooms. And I wonder now, how do I hold hope for this new baby? When you experience a pregnancy that ends suddenly, catastrophically, on a completely random day when everything seemed fine, when its end will never be explained, never reasoned or accounted for, how? How?

Advertisements