It feels sort of petty, but I wish someone had thought to throw a shower for me and M. I wouldn’t have wanted one before M was born, but I always thought while I was pregnant that if he made it, I wanted a big party to celebrate him. The thing is that between nursing, working, and taking care of E and M and R and the apartment there isn’t any time to plan and pull off a party. I received an invitation to a shower for another new baby we know, the little brother of one of E’s best friends, born on July 10, and it left me feeling sort of glum, wishing someone close to me wanted to celebrate our son, who I can’t help feeling is so hugely deserving of celebration. And then I feel very, very small for feeling sorry for myself. He’s here and I celebrate him every day. That’s enough.
At the hospital where Anja was born there is a fundraising program where families can purchase tiles for the hospital walls with their baby’s name and birthdate. At the one year anniversary of Anja’s death, I posted a link on facebook to a fundraising page created in her name and a surprising number of people donated. Several weeks ago we received notice that her tile was up and that a duplicate was available for us to pick up and take home for ourselves. I felt desperate to go straight to the hospital, but I thought R should be with me, and maybe others, too, and I held off, waiting for a time we could all go. That time still hasn’t come and I feel guilty, and sad. There are so few things I can do to take care of Anja and I feel like this is one and I have failed her. I feel like I’m neglecting her. Last night R said I should just go by myself. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see the tile or that it isn’t important to him, he just…I don’t know. He is so private in his grief. So, I will go alone this week and it will be so different than what I envisioned. Quiet. Lonely. Uncelebrated.