“I spent the afternoon reading about VBACs. I am starting to get very excited about meeting this baby. She’s so busy inside me and I’m getting so big, though I have still gained so little weight, which I find strange. I have to get to work on finishing this last chapter. Sometimes it is so hard to feel like there is an actual deadline in place; I feel like I have been pregnant forever and will remain pregnant forever. But no: a little human is on her way to disrupt our lives in an enormous way so it is really, really time to stop messing around and get things done while I still can.”

Three days later, she was gone. Just like that.

My little girl, gone.

My gone-girl.

The next entry is January 15.

“Anja Mary Herma J____ was born still last night, January 14, 2012, at 7:34 pm. She was perfect. She looked just like her big sister – same nose and lips. I need to write it all down, but not tonight. Tonight I just wanted to mark it here. She was ours. We loved her and wanted her and lost her and now we have to learn how to live without her. Last night I delivered her and held her in my arms for hours and sang to her and talked to her and kissed her and said goodbye. She is gone. She was ours and she is gone.”

These days are proving to be hard. Three years and right now, it doesn’t feel any easier at all, though I know it is, or at least, I am better at compartmentalizing, generally.

I keep thinking that line over and over: a little human is on her way, a little human is on her way.

I’m sorry, my girl. I’m sorry I didn’t know.

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