It’s been so long since I’ve been here. Everything looks different. Autofill doesn’t send me right to this page anymore. The urgency to write is mostly gone. I miss it.
I’ve been staring at her picture lately. In the middle of marking papers last week, I got up from the table and went into the bedroom, took down the box containing her few things, and dug around until I found the pictures. I was shaking as I touched again the things I put away so long ago. When I saw the picture again, I was overwhelmed with tenderness. She was beautiful. I can confess now to having only seen before what was wrong with her in that picture. Was her head kind of squished looking? Was her colouring just too completely awful? Was she awful? Would people think she was awful?
When I looked at her again last week I saw only her beauty, her sweetness. My baby. I must have looked at her 10 times an hour for a few days. Where did it come from that urge to dig the picture out? Where was it before?
This is the worst time of year for me at work. So many papers to mark, courses to prepare for next term, papers of my own to write and revise, job applications to complete, and then all of the Christmas business and E’s birthday. I want a hole to crawl into. E and I read a story today about a rhyming rabbit and one of the illustrations showed its burrow and that is just exactly what I need. A hideout. I don’t need to be there all the time, but I need to know it exists. I think this blog used to be the equivalent of that hole.
Sometimes I still wonder how I am out there every day, making all our lives hold together, keeping going. So few people in my daily life understand how amazing it is, or how much of an effort it is.
I think I sometimes fool myself into thinking it is not that hard. I push and push and push myself because it feels like if I don’t keep pushing everything will fall apart, and I push the grief under, and then deeper under, so that I can get through, so that I can keep it all going, and then one day, I get up from the middle of it all and find her picture and just look and look and look.