We had such a lovely winter break, your sister, your brother, your father, and I. We didn’t do much. We stayed in pyjamas for hours. We read lots of books. E and I beaded bracelets and painted pictures and E rode her new bike and on Christmas Eve we stayed up late and read The Night Before Christmas, and then on Christmas morning ‘Yanta,’ as M calls him had come and there were new toys to play with and papers to roll around in and so many good things to eat and family and cuddles and a great, great deal of love. And then there were rain walks, hunting for worms, and hot chocolate with marshmallows to warm up, and movie nights, and friends, and more pyjamas. We hunkered down, barely left the neighbourhood, filled our apartment with noise, and fun, and so much love. This morning I dropped your brother off at daycare and your sister off at school and then came home to the empty apartment to get my bag and car keys so I could head off to work, too. As I shut the door, I took a last look down the hallway, empty of all the noise and fun, and a grey light filtering through the curtains from the pouring rain outside, and my stomach sank. I miss them all. I miss the weeks of being all together. And I miss you. As I closed the door, finally, and turned the key in the lock, I could feel it all starting: January, the return to our hectic routine, and more so – so much more so – the beginning again, all over again, of the end of you. It’s really January, now. The start of a new year. Another new year without you.
A new year
05 Monday Jan 2015
Posted Uncategorized
in
Aurelia said:
I’m so sorry my friend, sorry Anja isn’t with you. I’m glad that you had such a nice break and so much time cocooning together. It is always so hard to leave that behind. Thinking of you. XO
marchisfordaffodils said:
Thank you, Aurelia. Your words have meant a lot to me – your comments and your blog – in the last months. It gets lonely out here after a while and I am grateful every time you write.
le petit soleil said:
on my way to work, i pass a florist, and for the last few week they have been selling very small daffodils. i think of you and of Anja every single time i see them.
marchisfordaffodils said:
This makes me smile. They’ve just started to sell the little field daffodils here, as well. I’m glad she is remembered in Paris. Your little love is remembered in Vancouver. Love to you and Froggie.
Molly said:
Tears fill my eyes when I read this. I can feel the heaviness in these upcoming days for you; the remembrance of the exact feelings of those days – her weight in your arms, her temperature and how it changed as the time passed, the agony of leaving the hospital, all of it… Fresh and raw as if it happened yesterday, again, but now it’s three years later. Sending love…
marchisfordaffodils said:
Yes, Molly – it took a little while to come on, that heaviness, but it’s descended now with its full force. I hate that you understand, and am grateful for it, too. ❤